Fortune Telling

The other day, I had a day filled with a mind full of all the horrible things that might happen... As I sat around the hospital with my mom, all I could think of was I am not ready to lose her. She has to be okay. And while I watched Lifeflight take a little boy about my son's age to Primary Childrens, I thought about whether I could ever pick up the pieces and go on if something ever happened to one of my kids. I felt scared, sad, helpless... and then I couldn't stop thinking about all the people in this world who live with that terror every single day of their lives.

I think sometimes that my life is hard right now. It seems our family is being bombarded by one thing after another trying to weigh us down. My confidence has taken a hit in the last year or two that I have previously not experienced, or maybe I am just humbled beyond belief. And the stories I hear from most everyone are similar to mine in the volume of trials they face.

Yet somehow... I awake every morning and 'plow the field', do what I can, try to find solutions. If I listed the amount of trials we have gone thru in the last year alone, I might contemplate driving a cherry red convertible off a cliff ala "Thelma and Louise." But, my choice is my freedom, and I choose to look at all I have gained.

Tim and I have been forced (literally forced, lol) to pull together more than we ever had before. I have gained a new appreciation and understanding of my parents. I have taken time to prioritize my children over everything else. I am learning to "compartmentalize." I have let go of old friends who are contradictory to our progress, and found that I really matter to those that really matter. And that nothing else really matters. I have learned to put my ego in check, and accept my quirks and failures as a part of my eternal success. And I have found that I can find happiness in circumstances of extreme, ongoing stress and frustration. It's my own choice. "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."