My Take on Wear Pants to Church Day

I write this not to offend, or even promote one view point over another.  I submit to you some thoughts for consideration only, thoughts I have yet to see discussed.
In light of the recent violence in our country, my heart is broken.  Not only for the victims families, but for the family of the killer, for my family, for yours, and for all of us.  I get sick of seeing posts on facebook that claim we as a society have no responsibility.  While I enthusiastically agree and will promote to my dying day the need for personal responsibility, the fact remains our society is ill.  We the privileged, we the wealthy (as I write this I struggle to provide "Christmas" for my kids monetarily wise, but the fact remains, even with the "little money" I possess, I am wealthy), we the blessed, we the blind.
I will get to the point in a second, so bear with me.  And I ask that even if you have a knee jerk reaction to something I write, don't stop reading.  Reserve the emotion until the end of my commentary, and then feel free to respond.
We are spoiled.  We are apathetic as a country.  We are not consistent in our beliefs, actions and what we care about.  We spurt.  Real change is needed in this country, but it will not be accomplished through spurts.  Only through the development of habits.  Our social ills range from a love affair with violence, to excessive fear, to over-sexualization of everything, to looking the other way when we should offer help, to the attitude of "there is nothing I can do."  Nothing could be a bigger lie from the adversary.  A small thought turned into thousands who are un-affected by kindness we chose not to offer.
With regard to "wear pants to church day", I understand where these women are coming from, and my heart goes out to them.  Personal empowerment is difficult to come by.  And if we find it once, the cruel joke is often that we lose it, and have to go search for it again.  But that doesn't have to be the case.  I believe in equality, but the truth is there are differences between genders.  Why can't we have equality without doing and being  the "exact same thing"?
Many of us (women) including myself at times feel we need permission.  For what?  Unfortunately the answer is we need permission just to be who we are.  Many of us need that from men, and feel if we are not being offered the same positions, the same clothes, etc. we are not equal.  Where does that doubt come from? Us or them? Probably some of each. 
Personally I don't feel a lot of sexism in my ward, or neighborhood coming at me.  There are a couple of people I do feel that way about, but I attribute it to an issue inside of them.  I would wear a pantsuit to church anytime I want and not think twice about it, as long as I was clean and presentable.  As it happens, I currently don't fit into any of my pantsuits, and I refuse to purchase another one.  I feel comfortable in a dress, and that is why I wear them.
As far as positions in the church go, here is where I will be bold and say my thoughts honestly.  I believe we are a society that has worked so hard to level the playing field that we have "erased the worth" of a man.  In seeking equality, some of us go about it in a healthy way.  Some do not.  Our society has turned the idea of a "man" into a joke.  A man is a sex crazed, selfish child, wanting to dominate and conquer women, responsible for most social ills, willing to sell out to get what they want.
I am surrounded by the opposite.  I am blessed in that area, I have a wonderful father, had loving grandfathers (two of them!) a good husband, amazingly kind, honest brothers and work with men of the highest caliber.  They are not perfect, but they are MEN!  Real men.  And, they are allowed and encouraged to be, so it makes it easier for them to take pride in their manhood.  Not the media's idea or society's idea of manhood, but God's definition.  The women in their lives are supportive and desirous to magnify their own unique offerings.  They struggle too.  Much more that we want to see.
Much to my shame, I personally am guilty of looking at my husband the way the media and society wants me to look at him.   I have often seen his affection as not affection, but as him seeking self gratification at my expense.  I have labeled my own husband because of what I have seen time and time and time again in the media.  I wonder what that does to his self esteem?  I wonder what my projections have done to his view of the worth of his soul and the worth of men?  I wonder, if I chose to embrace his divine roll and innate desire for good, looking at him as someone who has a unique, honored position in life, how would that affect his choices?
I can make a fire.  I can change a tire.  I can kill a spider.  I could learn to change my oil, or the breaks on my car, or fix the computer.  I can lead family home evening.  I can do anything a man can do if I work at it and learn about it.  And many of us have no choice to do that.  But I choose to let my husband do "man things".  Why?  Because he needs to feel valued.  He needs to feel like he is needed.  He needs a sense of inclusion, of accomplishment.  He knows I can do those things.  I am a pretty strong lady.  He can cook.  He can change diapers. He can even nurture our kids!  And he does those things too.  He crosses the gender "lines" all the time.  
Men need defense too.  They are not the "evil", and one of the ways I feel we can encourage light and goodness in men is to offer them positions unique to them.  Not because we cannot do it, but because it helps them keep their hearts in line with what God believes about them, instead of the world.   Satan is at war with men.  And in many accounts he is winning.  How do we tip the scales back in our favor?  By honoring each other.  Men included.  Perhaps those positions are not as threatening as we think,  perhaps it is not about believing women cannot or should not do those things.  I believe the First Presidency knows they can, and honestly is not discriminatory. Perhaps it is more about the need to offer assistance and strength to men, to create opportunities for them to immerse themselves in God's work.  It has been mentioned time and again how women and children are more likely to pursue that on their own.  Men seem to need a job.  A little push.  A little honor.  Lets give it to them.

wow. so much to ponder, so much inside. I have seriously high intentions, but it seems that life in general lately is totally kicking my butt. And I am way more comfortable doing the kicking. lol. However, when life starts to do this to me, it always forces me to return to my roots, to my most beloved passion; music. I realize much has been written on the topic already, and my insights and opinions are nothing new, but I write this blog for myself, not for you. So, some notes to myself.
First off, I am totally freaked that one of my kids will die. Lately I cannot stop thinking about it, sometimes to the point of obsessing about it. Yes I realize that's not healthy. Or is it? It changes how I live, how I cherish the simple moments I get, it deepens my love and increases my patience. But sometimes, at 2 am when I am pondering how my life could ever continue without one of them, I am fascinated by the strength of those I know have lost a child.
I have often been told that I am "the strongest person I know..." or "the most confident person I know..." and I laugh. Not at the persons who see only the best in me, but the fact that it is only a perception. A presentation, a mystique, an ambigious reprensentation at best, only portions of the picture. The portions I choose to focus on, because inside of me, I dont want to be the rest. Just like you, but somehow I have learned to master the presentation. Where exactly that came from? I cannot pinpoint, but I will say this, it is a lot like brushing your teeth. Or walking for those of you who aren't so into oral hygeine. lol. You don't remember your first steps, do you? The days when you fell more then you moved forward? Of course not. You just instinctively did it until you don't think about it anymore, you have achieved mastery. I have always been bad at 'friendship.' Not in what I think is important about it, but in how the world thinks it should be. So, I have used the lyrics of others to motivate me and give me 'pep' talks... and in some weird way, the music made me stronger than any of my friends did. Because it was just me. Me and the music, forcing me to face and understand me. Take Hold is a rip-off (please dont sue me, I have had enough of that to last a lifetime....:-) from an old Queensryche album entitled "The Warning" and the lyrics most influential to me come from a song called "Take hold of the flame"
here is an excerpt ; "From a haze came a rage of thunder, distant signs of darkness on the way. Fading cries, screams of pain and hunger, but in the night the light will guide your way. So take hold of the flame, can't you see life's a game, take hold of the flame. You've got nothing to lose, but everything to gain. Ride to a place beyond our time, reach for the edges of your mind, and you are there. See that the light will find it's way, back to a place where it will stay. Throw down the chains of oppression that bind you, with the air of freedom the flame burns bright. We are the strong, the youth united, we are one, the children of the light. So take hold of the flame." I don't know what it meant to Geoff Tate, but I know what it means to me, stay steady, stay faithful, remember who you are and for what purpose you are here and move forward.

What are you grateful for?

I know it has been a while since I last posted... life tends to be quite distracting lately. Lately I don't know where life is going at any given moment, and it is unsettling for me.

However, in an effort to stay grounded on some level, I have been guilty of spending the early hours of the morning contemplating the merits of President Hinkley's 'B' Attitudes. Or, more specifically, the 'attitude of gratitude.'

At Christmas, I had a brilliant idea (and no money) and I was filled with excitement over what I could 'give' to those in my life I cared about, but I procrastinated, let myself get distracted, and ended up with traditional presents. No one else has that problem, right? lol. But, I would like to take this opportunity to align myself with promptings of two months ago, (better late than never!) and start my letters of gratitude.

I have always feared losing someone I cared about and not getting the chance to really communicate my love for them. So Carpe Diem! Seize the day... or the middle of the night! I am choosing to do it now, and encourage you to do the same.

When I was a kid, (up until last year...) I dreamt of being a rock star. Music has always been a huge passion of mine, and I spent countless hours studying album inserts, memorizing lyrics, learning about the artist's gear, and admiring the artwork. In particular, I liked reading the "special thanks" sections, and wondered who would land in mine, when I became the before-mentioned rock star I was sure to become. So, here's my list. Warning... it is not short. ;-) Following this post, I will attempt to explain why said persons made the list.

My heartfelt, deepest love and thanks goes to:

My Heavenly Father and my Savior, no explanation needed. My Mom and my Dad, for the faith and unconditional love. Every child on this earth should be so lucky. Tim, my love, for being my best friend and being willing to grow along side me. My beautiful kids, Ashtyn and Aidan, for the constant light. My Shihan, Jan Davis. Every person needs validation and love from outside the family, and whether or not I deserved it, I got the best of the best. My sister Heather, for her quiet, constant faith. My brothers in spirit, if not in flesh, Jake and Rich. Sometimes you have a bigger family then you thought. And Karen, whose soul I will always be connected to, through all manners of opposition, you have forever left a mark on my heart.

In addition, I thank my actual brothers, Jason and Micah, for the examples they set, even from distance. My grandparents, Alma & Verna Peterson and Eugene & Elaine Jarvis and Ray Carter. Through them I have learned love and devotion to family. All of my precious nieces and nephews... Amanda, Kenny, Autumn, Chandler, Dakota, Carson, Emilynn, Brinna, Kenna, Serenna, Trennon, Benson, Taft and Amulek. The moment a child enters your family, is the exact moment you can't see life without them. Leaders whom have touched my heart, Lori, Dennis, Joe, Jae Ho, Sharon Hartle, Steven Anderson, Alan & Wendy Robbins, Barbra Langford, Mrs. Moon. I am sure I am forgetting someone... And my friends. There is nothing in this life more important to me than to be a good friend to those I love. I am so grateful for the example of those whom have loved me. Angie. May you find what you were seeking in the arms of an angel. Tandy, James, Rod & John, Dave, Mark, Chad, Randy. Malessa, Jen, Aaron, Missy, Nolan, Gerald. Becky, Gordon, Lindsey, Stacey, Cristy, David. I have had many, many friends, but these stand out as standing by me in tough times. And, last but not least... every student I have taught, but mostly those whom achieved black belt or higher, whom followed me around several studios & systems while I was trying to find gold. (good news! I found it!)

I know the list is long, but I also know it could be longer. Tim reminded me tonight that what you focus on begets your reality. I was having a 'bummer' last couple of days, and he pointed out I have been reading a lot of the news, where horrible, awful events are sensationalized. And because of this focus, I have been down, and somewhat weary. (if you have read the news lately, it seems like killing or hurting loved ones is a new fad) He reminded me of the council of our Lord to not be weary, and encouraged me to focus on the enormous amounts of amazing blessings we have in our life. In a moment, my mood shifted. Such is the power of focus.

What are you really here for?

This past month has been a month of endless contemplation. I have had so many things weighing heavily on my mind, it has been hard to focus on 'everyday' things. Over the last year or so, Tim and I have not known, even remotely, what direction our life was headed in. We still don't have many answers, but one thing has become clear... I cannot stop teaching.

Life's little pleasures are found in moments where your presence makes a difference. Whether it be in your children, spouse, co-workers or even total strangers, there is a fire that is lit within you and a lightness to your soul. The interim periods of suffering, darkness, uncertainty and fear require bonds of commitment. But, make no mistake... you will reach the other side.

We lost a student last week. He is in a better place, but my concern is with those he left behind. Martial arts and good leadership in particular can lead to a moment in someone's life that changes the whole picture for them. Alters the path. How, being blessed by the Lord with a chance to offer that type of opportunity and love, could I walk away?

We are given the particular gifts we have for a reason. Yet we spend a lifetime envying what everyone else has. Why? Doesn't the Lord give us these specific gifts for a reason? I know what my life is... do you?

Fortune Telling

The other day, I had a day filled with a mind full of all the horrible things that might happen... As I sat around the hospital with my mom, all I could think of was I am not ready to lose her. She has to be okay. And while I watched Lifeflight take a little boy about my son's age to Primary Childrens, I thought about whether I could ever pick up the pieces and go on if something ever happened to one of my kids. I felt scared, sad, helpless... and then I couldn't stop thinking about all the people in this world who live with that terror every single day of their lives.

I think sometimes that my life is hard right now. It seems our family is being bombarded by one thing after another trying to weigh us down. My confidence has taken a hit in the last year or two that I have previously not experienced, or maybe I am just humbled beyond belief. And the stories I hear from most everyone are similar to mine in the volume of trials they face.

Yet somehow... I awake every morning and 'plow the field', do what I can, try to find solutions. If I listed the amount of trials we have gone thru in the last year alone, I might contemplate driving a cherry red convertible off a cliff ala "Thelma and Louise." But, my choice is my freedom, and I choose to look at all I have gained.

Tim and I have been forced (literally forced, lol) to pull together more than we ever had before. I have gained a new appreciation and understanding of my parents. I have taken time to prioritize my children over everything else. I am learning to "compartmentalize." I have let go of old friends who are contradictory to our progress, and found that I really matter to those that really matter. And that nothing else really matters. I have learned to put my ego in check, and accept my quirks and failures as a part of my eternal success. And I have found that I can find happiness in circumstances of extreme, ongoing stress and frustration. It's my own choice. "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

My Amazing Nephew

Just wanted to pay tribute to Chan-man. Also I used the song I referenced previously. Plus... my mom's blog is awesome, check it out! www.menandangels.blogspot.com

Winds of Change

I love the rain. I love the change in weather... I enjoy the warm sunny days as much as anyone, but there is something about the rain. I am sitting here listening to the sound of the crashing thunder, the rain bouncing off my windows, and I cannot help but relate this thunderstorm to life, specifically my life, but also, I am sure, yours.

Thunderstorms are powerful, magnificent. They bring energy, inspiring fascination in some, and fear in many. But ultimately, they signify change.

Every day I am faced with questions with no answers, plans I can't make, and the uncertainty of what tomorrow brings. So much of life is spent building something, trying to accomplish something, going somewhere... what happens when what you sacrificed for is over? When you read the last page of that particular book? When the song starts to fade, and when the credits roll? What do you do? This is another question to which I have no real answer, but this is what I feel is the path our Father set us on, not a 'straight and narrow' path like the popular analogy, but one filled with hills and valleys, peaks and drop-offs, and endless doors.

A few years ago, I had the chance to ride the famous 'slick rock' trail in Moab. It was crazy! I had no idea (not really being an avid biker) that my tires would adhere to a rock at such a steep angle. That I didn't have to get off and walk, but I could stay on my bike throughout all the ups and downs. It was difficult, but the path was clear. And I knew many others had successfully ridden before me.

This is what I figured out. When the door closes, open another one. Take a moment to relish in your successful completion of one leg of the path. Stay on your bike. Trust those who have traveled before you, nature (or God) will adhere you to the path. Don't quit. Create something new for yourself, bless the lives of those around you. Life your life. Don't let what you have to give be limited to your comfort zone, go out to the unknown, face that hill, bless new lives. Even when you don't know why, when it's painful, when there seems no reasons... find a reason. Embrace change as what it is, God's gift to you... a proverbial shove through a new, wondrous door.