wow. so much to ponder, so much inside. I have seriously high intentions, but it seems that life in general lately is totally kicking my butt. And I am way more comfortable doing the kicking. lol. However, when life starts to do this to me, it always forces me to return to my roots, to my most beloved passion; music. I realize much has been written on the topic already, and my insights and opinions are nothing new, but I write this blog for myself, not for you. So, some notes to myself.
First off, I am totally freaked that one of my kids will die. Lately I cannot stop thinking about it, sometimes to the point of obsessing about it. Yes I realize that's not healthy. Or is it? It changes how I live, how I cherish the simple moments I get, it deepens my love and increases my patience. But sometimes, at 2 am when I am pondering how my life could ever continue without one of them, I am fascinated by the strength of those I know have lost a child.
I have often been told that I am "the strongest person I know..." or "the most confident person I know..." and I laugh. Not at the persons who see only the best in me, but the fact that it is only a perception. A presentation, a mystique, an ambigious reprensentation at best, only portions of the picture. The portions I choose to focus on, because inside of me, I dont want to be the rest. Just like you, but somehow I have learned to master the presentation. Where exactly that came from? I cannot pinpoint, but I will say this, it is a lot like brushing your teeth. Or walking for those of you who aren't so into oral hygeine. lol. You don't remember your first steps, do you? The days when you fell more then you moved forward? Of course not. You just instinctively did it until you don't think about it anymore, you have achieved mastery. I have always been bad at 'friendship.' Not in what I think is important about it, but in how the world thinks it should be. So, I have used the lyrics of others to motivate me and give me 'pep' talks... and in some weird way, the music made me stronger than any of my friends did. Because it was just me. Me and the music, forcing me to face and understand me. Take Hold is a rip-off (please dont sue me, I have had enough of that to last a lifetime....:-) from an old Queensryche album entitled "The Warning" and the lyrics most influential to me come from a song called "Take hold of the flame"
here is an excerpt ; "From a haze came a rage of thunder, distant signs of darkness on the way. Fading cries, screams of pain and hunger, but in the night the light will guide your way. So take hold of the flame, can't you see life's a game, take hold of the flame. You've got nothing to lose, but everything to gain. Ride to a place beyond our time, reach for the edges of your mind, and you are there. See that the light will find it's way, back to a place where it will stay. Throw down the chains of oppression that bind you, with the air of freedom the flame burns bright. We are the strong, the youth united, we are one, the children of the light. So take hold of the flame." I don't know what it meant to Geoff Tate, but I know what it means to me, stay steady, stay faithful, remember who you are and for what purpose you are here and move forward.

What are you grateful for?

I know it has been a while since I last posted... life tends to be quite distracting lately. Lately I don't know where life is going at any given moment, and it is unsettling for me.

However, in an effort to stay grounded on some level, I have been guilty of spending the early hours of the morning contemplating the merits of President Hinkley's 'B' Attitudes. Or, more specifically, the 'attitude of gratitude.'

At Christmas, I had a brilliant idea (and no money) and I was filled with excitement over what I could 'give' to those in my life I cared about, but I procrastinated, let myself get distracted, and ended up with traditional presents. No one else has that problem, right? lol. But, I would like to take this opportunity to align myself with promptings of two months ago, (better late than never!) and start my letters of gratitude.

I have always feared losing someone I cared about and not getting the chance to really communicate my love for them. So Carpe Diem! Seize the day... or the middle of the night! I am choosing to do it now, and encourage you to do the same.

When I was a kid, (up until last year...) I dreamt of being a rock star. Music has always been a huge passion of mine, and I spent countless hours studying album inserts, memorizing lyrics, learning about the artist's gear, and admiring the artwork. In particular, I liked reading the "special thanks" sections, and wondered who would land in mine, when I became the before-mentioned rock star I was sure to become. So, here's my list. Warning... it is not short. ;-) Following this post, I will attempt to explain why said persons made the list.

My heartfelt, deepest love and thanks goes to:

My Heavenly Father and my Savior, no explanation needed. My Mom and my Dad, for the faith and unconditional love. Every child on this earth should be so lucky. Tim, my love, for being my best friend and being willing to grow along side me. My beautiful kids, Ashtyn and Aidan, for the constant light. My Shihan, Jan Davis. Every person needs validation and love from outside the family, and whether or not I deserved it, I got the best of the best. My sister Heather, for her quiet, constant faith. My brothers in spirit, if not in flesh, Jake and Rich. Sometimes you have a bigger family then you thought. And Karen, whose soul I will always be connected to, through all manners of opposition, you have forever left a mark on my heart.

In addition, I thank my actual brothers, Jason and Micah, for the examples they set, even from distance. My grandparents, Alma & Verna Peterson and Eugene & Elaine Jarvis and Ray Carter. Through them I have learned love and devotion to family. All of my precious nieces and nephews... Amanda, Kenny, Autumn, Chandler, Dakota, Carson, Emilynn, Brinna, Kenna, Serenna, Trennon, Benson, Taft and Amulek. The moment a child enters your family, is the exact moment you can't see life without them. Leaders whom have touched my heart, Lori, Dennis, Joe, Jae Ho, Sharon Hartle, Steven Anderson, Alan & Wendy Robbins, Barbra Langford, Mrs. Moon. I am sure I am forgetting someone... And my friends. There is nothing in this life more important to me than to be a good friend to those I love. I am so grateful for the example of those whom have loved me. Angie. May you find what you were seeking in the arms of an angel. Tandy, James, Rod & John, Dave, Mark, Chad, Randy. Malessa, Jen, Aaron, Missy, Nolan, Gerald. Becky, Gordon, Lindsey, Stacey, Cristy, David. I have had many, many friends, but these stand out as standing by me in tough times. And, last but not least... every student I have taught, but mostly those whom achieved black belt or higher, whom followed me around several studios & systems while I was trying to find gold. (good news! I found it!)

I know the list is long, but I also know it could be longer. Tim reminded me tonight that what you focus on begets your reality. I was having a 'bummer' last couple of days, and he pointed out I have been reading a lot of the news, where horrible, awful events are sensationalized. And because of this focus, I have been down, and somewhat weary. (if you have read the news lately, it seems like killing or hurting loved ones is a new fad) He reminded me of the council of our Lord to not be weary, and encouraged me to focus on the enormous amounts of amazing blessings we have in our life. In a moment, my mood shifted. Such is the power of focus.