What are you really here for?

This past month has been a month of endless contemplation. I have had so many things weighing heavily on my mind, it has been hard to focus on 'everyday' things. Over the last year or so, Tim and I have not known, even remotely, what direction our life was headed in. We still don't have many answers, but one thing has become clear... I cannot stop teaching.

Life's little pleasures are found in moments where your presence makes a difference. Whether it be in your children, spouse, co-workers or even total strangers, there is a fire that is lit within you and a lightness to your soul. The interim periods of suffering, darkness, uncertainty and fear require bonds of commitment. But, make no mistake... you will reach the other side.

We lost a student last week. He is in a better place, but my concern is with those he left behind. Martial arts and good leadership in particular can lead to a moment in someone's life that changes the whole picture for them. Alters the path. How, being blessed by the Lord with a chance to offer that type of opportunity and love, could I walk away?

We are given the particular gifts we have for a reason. Yet we spend a lifetime envying what everyone else has. Why? Doesn't the Lord give us these specific gifts for a reason? I know what my life is... do you?

Fortune Telling

The other day, I had a day filled with a mind full of all the horrible things that might happen... As I sat around the hospital with my mom, all I could think of was I am not ready to lose her. She has to be okay. And while I watched Lifeflight take a little boy about my son's age to Primary Childrens, I thought about whether I could ever pick up the pieces and go on if something ever happened to one of my kids. I felt scared, sad, helpless... and then I couldn't stop thinking about all the people in this world who live with that terror every single day of their lives.

I think sometimes that my life is hard right now. It seems our family is being bombarded by one thing after another trying to weigh us down. My confidence has taken a hit in the last year or two that I have previously not experienced, or maybe I am just humbled beyond belief. And the stories I hear from most everyone are similar to mine in the volume of trials they face.

Yet somehow... I awake every morning and 'plow the field', do what I can, try to find solutions. If I listed the amount of trials we have gone thru in the last year alone, I might contemplate driving a cherry red convertible off a cliff ala "Thelma and Louise." But, my choice is my freedom, and I choose to look at all I have gained.

Tim and I have been forced (literally forced, lol) to pull together more than we ever had before. I have gained a new appreciation and understanding of my parents. I have taken time to prioritize my children over everything else. I am learning to "compartmentalize." I have let go of old friends who are contradictory to our progress, and found that I really matter to those that really matter. And that nothing else really matters. I have learned to put my ego in check, and accept my quirks and failures as a part of my eternal success. And I have found that I can find happiness in circumstances of extreme, ongoing stress and frustration. It's my own choice. "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

My Amazing Nephew

Just wanted to pay tribute to Chan-man. Also I used the song I referenced previously. Plus... my mom's blog is awesome, check it out! www.menandangels.blogspot.com

Winds of Change

I love the rain. I love the change in weather... I enjoy the warm sunny days as much as anyone, but there is something about the rain. I am sitting here listening to the sound of the crashing thunder, the rain bouncing off my windows, and I cannot help but relate this thunderstorm to life, specifically my life, but also, I am sure, yours.

Thunderstorms are powerful, magnificent. They bring energy, inspiring fascination in some, and fear in many. But ultimately, they signify change.

Every day I am faced with questions with no answers, plans I can't make, and the uncertainty of what tomorrow brings. So much of life is spent building something, trying to accomplish something, going somewhere... what happens when what you sacrificed for is over? When you read the last page of that particular book? When the song starts to fade, and when the credits roll? What do you do? This is another question to which I have no real answer, but this is what I feel is the path our Father set us on, not a 'straight and narrow' path like the popular analogy, but one filled with hills and valleys, peaks and drop-offs, and endless doors.

A few years ago, I had the chance to ride the famous 'slick rock' trail in Moab. It was crazy! I had no idea (not really being an avid biker) that my tires would adhere to a rock at such a steep angle. That I didn't have to get off and walk, but I could stay on my bike throughout all the ups and downs. It was difficult, but the path was clear. And I knew many others had successfully ridden before me.

This is what I figured out. When the door closes, open another one. Take a moment to relish in your successful completion of one leg of the path. Stay on your bike. Trust those who have traveled before you, nature (or God) will adhere you to the path. Don't quit. Create something new for yourself, bless the lives of those around you. Life your life. Don't let what you have to give be limited to your comfort zone, go out to the unknown, face that hill, bless new lives. Even when you don't know why, when it's painful, when there seems no reasons... find a reason. Embrace change as what it is, God's gift to you... a proverbial shove through a new, wondrous door.

One More Time Around

In my blog, I will be addressing many people whom have touched my life in some way or another. I realize it is popular to focus on all those who wrong you, and the wrongs they bring about. But a hard fact; everyone will wrong you... sometime. Forgiveness is a lesson born out of bringing peace to yourself, not to others.

Today is my mom's birthday. She now has her own blog, so check it out. She is an amazing woman. I have not always felt that way...

As a younger version of myself, my vision was tunneled. Isn't that usually the case? lol. I felt during those moments that my life was terrible, that I was not understood. I indulged in that (as most teenagers do...) and blamed my parents. My mom was a heartfelt crusader for the deaf (all my siblings are affected by hearing loss), but not for me. Looking back, she set aside her world for me often, and still does. She is my best friend. So daughters, take heart, even if the sky is falling, you can end up best friends. Happy birthday Mom, my life is better daily because you are in it.

So there is a reference to a song which I truly love, I will try to post a link if you'd like to hear it. We all have the ability to go 'home.' Home may mean many things to many people, but in the core of our souls, it is the same place. A place we feel unconditional love, valued, peace. Much of this world lives without those things in their hearts.

The current political climate blows my mind. How can a people with so much truth, so many blessings, such clear spiritual direction foster a cauldron of hate? People, be cautious of your words, of your attitudes. Disagreement is a fact of life. Don't let it create an environment of division. With so many personalities running around this earth, the only real unity we have is spiritual, and that is born from respect, from charity, from love. Let us be the one, take the stand, have the courage to help those without to find 'home.' Don't we all need someone to take our hand and lead us there sometimes? Be kind.

It has been my fortune to gain this from the place we are supposed to. My parents. Today's thanks goes to them, for all they are has allowed me to have to courage to attempt to be who I really am. My heart breaks for the millions of children left without what I have.

"One more time around, is all I ask for now, a star to steer by will you take me home again?"--QR

Missed Opportunities

Last night, I did something I regret. As I watched a moment that is as perfect a moment as can possibly happen, I let a fear, an insecurity, a hesitation take hold of me. A little backstory...

There is a man I know who recieved an award last night. It was well deserved. I should have taken a moment to relay my feelings, but I didn't. I let some difficult and painful things cloud the moment, his moment, and indulged in my own problems. For this I apologize, and am taking it as a sign, that I need to continue to strive, to move forward, to repair damages and make resolutions. So, my first blog will be what I would have said had I taken the step.

Richard. I still remember the first thing you said to me. We were at a tournament and I had just joined Omega, eager to 'show off' or rather to prove to myself I really belonged with you guys. ;-) Anyway, you had just returned from your mission and were full of energy. You did look pretty dorky though, in your black uniform and black sparring pads that you had your pants tucked into. I had never seen anyone wear their pads like that. We were introduced, and I made some smart- alecky comment about your apperance, and you said "I am the black knight!!!" Then you growled. I walked away. For years, your mom thought we hated each other.

I remember your wedding. Kim looked so gorgeous, and I felt insecure around you guys, you looked like you belonged on a cover of a magazine. You and your brothers sang. I wondered if I would ever have that. Then I had my own beautiful wedding. But only after you told me to "choose love over everything else." Do you remember that day? I was going to move to Seattle. You told me to stay and marry Tim.

I have watched you grow and settle, learn to love more freely, to tolerate those with differences, to make a difference of your own. I have seen you make that difference with so many of those you teach, but did not realize the difference you made in me until this last year.

We had a knock down drag out. I ignored you. You wouldn't stop calling me. I called you a few names, you challenged my logic. A verbal sparring match born of a moment of weakness, not to be unexpected at some time or another. I became defensive and said we weren't that good of friends anyway, and then I was blown away by you. Thank you. You are an amazing man, an amazing leader, and most of all, an amazing friend. You inspire me. 10 years ago I would have never thought you would ever really matter to me, as I have always been closer to your brother and your mom, but this has truly been a case of not being able to see the forest for the trees. Thanks for not giving up. Thanks for being humble, and for being strong. Thanks for being you.