wow. so much to ponder, so much inside. I have seriously high intentions, but it seems that life in general lately is totally kicking my butt. And I am way more comfortable doing the kicking. lol. However, when life starts to do this to me, it always forces me to return to my roots, to my most beloved passion; music. I realize much has been written on the topic already, and my insights and opinions are nothing new, but I write this blog for myself, not for you. So, some notes to myself.
First off, I am totally freaked that one of my kids will die. Lately I cannot stop thinking about it, sometimes to the point of obsessing about it. Yes I realize that's not healthy. Or is it? It changes how I live, how I cherish the simple moments I get, it deepens my love and increases my patience. But sometimes, at 2 am when I am pondering how my life could ever continue without one of them, I am fascinated by the strength of those I know have lost a child.
I have often been told that I am "the strongest person I know..." or "the most confident person I know..." and I laugh. Not at the persons who see only the best in me, but the fact that it is only a perception. A presentation, a mystique, an ambigious reprensentation at best, only portions of the picture. The portions I choose to focus on, because inside of me, I dont want to be the rest. Just like you, but somehow I have learned to master the presentation. Where exactly that came from? I cannot pinpoint, but I will say this, it is a lot like brushing your teeth. Or walking for those of you who aren't so into oral hygeine. lol. You don't remember your first steps, do you? The days when you fell more then you moved forward? Of course not. You just instinctively did it until you don't think about it anymore, you have achieved mastery. I have always been bad at 'friendship.' Not in what I think is important about it, but in how the world thinks it should be. So, I have used the lyrics of others to motivate me and give me 'pep' talks... and in some weird way, the music made me stronger than any of my friends did. Because it was just me. Me and the music, forcing me to face and understand me. Take Hold is a rip-off (please dont sue me, I have had enough of that to last a lifetime....:-) from an old Queensryche album entitled "The Warning" and the lyrics most influential to me come from a song called "Take hold of the flame"
here is an excerpt ; "From a haze came a rage of thunder, distant signs of darkness on the way. Fading cries, screams of pain and hunger, but in the night the light will guide your way. So take hold of the flame, can't you see life's a game, take hold of the flame. You've got nothing to lose, but everything to gain. Ride to a place beyond our time, reach for the edges of your mind, and you are there. See that the light will find it's way, back to a place where it will stay. Throw down the chains of oppression that bind you, with the air of freedom the flame burns bright. We are the strong, the youth united, we are one, the children of the light. So take hold of the flame." I don't know what it meant to Geoff Tate, but I know what it means to me, stay steady, stay faithful, remember who you are and for what purpose you are here and move forward.